Why?

IT Is kind of funny how life turns out.. how people that once were such a big part of your life and people that you thought would be a permanent fixture in your life slowly fade out.... What was once annoying about you they become.. skinny people annoy me .. why? because honestly i am jealous .. I wish i could be them .. and i honestly think that people hate things about you because you in some sort of way are something they desire to be... now later on they have become everything they hated about you... and in some aspects it hurts and it hurts ad because how could some sort of relationship that you once had be ruined by something that they have now become? it makes no sense if you really thinking about it.... If they just acknowledged in the first place that they did not hate certain things about you but they envied them then there would of been no need for things to turn out this way.... I threw away so many things in my life... things now that i see was probably for the best.... I want to move forward in my life not continuously backtrack.. everything happens in life for a reason and lets not try to change the past and recreate it but yet appreciate what was and look forward to better things and more promising future....

As i sit here in complete awe of my own self, I slowly start to realize the depth of my unhappiness and the continuous effects it has on my life. I don't give myself quite enough credit.. i don't give myself value... Over and over I value other people I do for other people, seriously when will I change? How will i change.. Everyday I tell myself, you are better than this you are a stronger person.... Everyday I repeat the same decisions and find myself full of regret when I go to bed... When I got to bed at night I want close my eyes and smile, knowing my day has left me feeling fullfilled and complete... One day I will... That I promise... Be careful cause when I finally do ..... I might be too much for my own good.... One day I will be a manifestation of everything I once hated about others....

They say that things must get worse in life before they get better, but as tears flod from my eyes, I wonder how much worse can they really get... when does the trend go upwards.... when will i begin to see the sunlight. Have you ever woke up one morning feeling completely alienated.. Like your whole life it really hasnt been you but yet now her you ar trapped in the repercussions of someone elses life.. They say your children are a refleciton of yourself. Well I sure dont like my relfection. I never was a disobedient child, for the most part. Yet my children are a constant struggle and I feel so overwelmed. My head pounds and my heart sinks.... When will my sun come out?

Fustration

Determination and Strength is one thing but when there are not rewards when this is followed, frustration sets in. Part of the equation is missing, something just not complete. looking past the mass of fat that are known as breast and looking over the rolls of what was once a flat stomach the number seen is one that causes great disappointment. To think of all the will power, the strength and determination I have gone through NOT to eat those cheesy tots not to eat all the things that bring my tongue to Ecstasy. For this big 241.5. Now yes you are saying wow 2.5 pounds that's good right? Not for someone like me. The gage on the scale has not shifted in like 3 days. This is not working for me. Atkins mights have to shove his carb shit up his ass!

Insanity

Insanity is defined as follows:doin the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That statement defines my life. So many times I find myself unhappy with the circumstances of my life. But yet daily I make the same choices, therefore, I have no one but myself to blame for the life in which I am surrounded by. Sometimes when someone not involved directly in the circumstances evaluates the situation , it opens your eyes. I have spent a sufficient amount of my time atempting to fix people, to better their lives that I have forgotton to help myself, to better myself. There comes a point in your life that you have to see things and people for what they really are. People are so afraid to to be themselves, afraid of rejection. If for one moment people would be them selves and allow others to appreciate that, they would truely know what it is to be liked.

Facing Myself and the Truth

My body trembling, I slowly stepped upon the scale, fully aware that I would not like the result. Where did I loose it ? Where did I loose my self worth? How could I let myself go this far? My own reflection sickens me. The idea of another existance being remotely attracted to me is nothing but figment of my own imagination. How could they? Why would they? So I relunctantly look down at the result and my heart sinks. 244. WOW. This is not me, this has to be a dream. I'm tellin you this is the day... Everyday I will be committed to changing . The layers will shed slowly but surely and I will emerge.. The woman I once was

Goal One: Find the Skinny Person Inside Me...
I know there are people that say they r happy bein overweight and they lovethemselves. Im not one of those people.